There comes a day in everyone's life where you feel like your world stops spinning. I thought that was four years ago when my dad told me he had cancer. I would gladly take that feeling back. April 2003 we found out he had prostate cancer. Things just went downhill that year. We found out how bad it was then he has a heart attack.

Good Friday. What is good about it? Jesus died for all of us. He gave himself so we wouldn't have to suffer. Suffering...Father Jeff Perot talked about that Tuesday. I had no idea what that word would come to mean three days later. Jesus died so we could live. Live on with him in Heaven. He felt so alone up on the cross in the end. He felt like his father had abandonded him. I am trying my hardest not to feel that way.

My dad went to the doctor on Thursday and she was concerned because he'd lost 30-40 pounds since October, he looked pale and hurt so much. He had a bone scan Friday.

He called afterward and said he was going to his parents' I knew something was up but I had no idea what it was. He came home and told me that found spots on his scan. Spots. Spots. A simple word but it tore me apart. I have cried everyday because of it. I don't know how to feel or what to do. My dad could be here a few months or a few years but not long enough.

I want my dad to walk me down the aisle when I ever get married. I can't imagine him not being there. Anyone that knows me knows that he's raised me alone all my life. My mother never cared to be there for me and he took both roles and loved me more than any other dad could. I haven't even forgiven my mother for leaving me, for not loving me. I don't know how to not be angry with God for taking my father too.

I'm twenty-six. My biggest fear has always been that I'd loose my dad early in life and it would affect me like it did my mother. I'm sure that if my Grandfather had been around now she'd be different and he's something great to me. He died when I was 1 1/2. My future children most likley won't know their grandpa. Why is this way? Why?

I was always under the belief that God won't give you more than you can handle but I just don't know if I belive that. I've gotten so close to a nervous breakdown latley and then this. If he's gone I have no one. No one that knows my deep dark secrets and loves me spite them. No one that leads me. No that tells me that prayer helps even when he's not sure.

I'm scared to loose my leader. My father, my best friend. I am fighting so bad to not be angry with God. I want to hate him. I want to scream out. I don't know how long I can fight this.

I'm going to try to sleep. I haven't slept since. Well atleast not much.